Ghire dhore kuasha jokhon....

Jonoiko pathok...

Gotokal raate moner kotha likhechilam dukhhobilashita korar jonyo noy...kono osubidhabhogi ke koruna korar jonyo noy. Ek jonoiko bhodrolok amar lekha pore onek kotha bollen...tar songe kotha bolte parle khub sukhi hotam kintu durbhagyo...take khuje pelam na...ogyate thekei tini amake pothe neme swopno puroner jonyo kaj korte bolechen...Ei ashay likhchi ebar je tini hoyto aro ekbar porben amar lekha...

Ami sahityik noi je dukhhobilashita kore du poysha ay korbo...ami nehat ei projonmer khub sadharon akjon manush...kintu sotti ami pothe nemechilam, nam bo o barbar...ashole amader, bishesh kore meyeder jibongulo boddo got e badha thake...khub shahosh ebong support na pele amader moto 90% meyera ei swopno dekhei jibon katiye dey...ekta osompurno jibon...tarao kintu chay, khub mon theke chay je je bachhata haath bariye rastar dhare tar kache poysha chaiche sheo ekdin r poysha na cheye soman hobe tar...kintu oi duchokh mele swopno dekhai shaar...baki oneker songe jokhon take jete hoy ketadurusto, dami restoray tokhon kintu bhetor theke jontrona kure khay take...bibeker kache porishkar noy bole noy...kichu na korte parar osohayotay!!!!

R jeshob manush nijeder porishkar bibek niye KFC te boshe 'poorest of the poor er defination niye torker jhor tole r asha kore amar moto je kono ekdin hotat kore ei nicher manush gulo gorje uthbe-kere nebe tader sukh-souvagger odhikar' tader ke ami boli 'hypocrite'....aaj ami ei kotha gulo likhte perechi, jonoiko pathok, karon ami pothe nemechilam tader sathe jader gorje othar swopno ami dekhi...nambo baar baar...poth khujchi ekhon...ekta sottikarer poth...natok kore unnoyoner naame prohoshon noy...jonoiko pathok...Moithye ashfalon kore lekha lekhi kora oproyojonio amar kache...ami ekjon SOCIAL WORKER by education!!!!Mumbai ebong Kolkatar sheshob tothakothito nongra, ghinji bostite kaj korechi 4 bochor...pothe nemei...tader songe ek thalay khabar, ek ghotite jol kheyei...kintu NGO sector er hypocracy tene eneche amake aj tader theke dure...nijeke tai ghenna kori proti muhurte...

Kintu amar swopno more ni...morbe na konodin...tai konodin bibeker kache khub porishkar hoyeo KFC r thanda ghore kacher epare boshe kheye, poorest of the poor er definition niye torko kore, subhidhebhogir oboshor katanor ei rastay hete, bill mitiye beriye jawar poreo amar swopner mrithyu nei...protibar nijeke kotakhho kori paliye ashar jonyo...kintu amar roshod sei kacher opare footpath e bosha mukhgulo!!!!

Protidhwoni shunte pai ki?

Mor gaayer simanar paharer opare
Nishotho ratrir protidhwoni shuni ami
Kaan pete shuni ami bujhite na pari
Chokh mele dekhi ami dekhite na pari
Chokh buje bhabi ami dhorite na pari
Hajaar pahar ami dingote na pari...

Kothay ar sei gram?Shohorer hajar awaj chhapiye kono protidhwonio ki pare amader kache pouchote..."Korner poth dhore morome poshite"?Ekhon kaane ashe cycles rickshaw r horn, othoba kono boro garir horn...othoba dure kono nirmiyoman bari nirmaner shobdo...ei jantrikotar juge manusher awaj ki sotti pouchoy amader kane?Manusher kannar awaj? Hote pare koto ki awaj ja shunte peleo bujhi na...chini na...chinte chai na?Shunte pai na?Dekhte pai na TV khullei manusher loraiyer shobdo?

Naki amader kaan bhore thake Himesh Reshammia r matha jhion jhon kora "Jhalak dikhlaja...ek baar aja aja..."Unmotter moto jokhon kono night club e nachi amra somosto dukhho bhule tokhon thik sei hotel er bairei ek ordho nogno nari tar koler sontantike matite shui ye duhaat pete bhikhhye chay bhetore dhoka boibhobi manushgulor kache....ebong tar ei pagolini beshe khanikta bhoy peyei dur diyei hete jete chai amra...

Park Street er jomkalo notun KFC te burger khete jawa amra ei notun juger modhyobitto torun projonmo...ekbaro ki bhabi je kacher ultodike footpath er ordho ulongo bachhata jokhon gograshe burger khawa amader dike cheye thake...tokhon nijeke prithibir nikrishto tomo jeeb mone kora uchit kina?Thik kotha...amader ache tai amra khai...amader ache tai amra orai...achha amader to onek ache...kono din ki perechi tao oi bachhaguloke bhetor theke kichu kine ene khete dite?Parini...ki atkeche amader?Janina...parechi tader pashe boshe tader moto korei khete?Parini....

Torko hotei pare je parte jaboi ba keno...eta amader prithibi r ota oder...jeta je peyeche seta tar odhikar...kintu amra ki ei jibon nijeder odhikar e peyechi na bhagyer jore?Aaj nijer barite boshe computer e blog likhte parchi ami...seta ki amar odhikar er aotay pore...na soubhagyer?Aaj eder uddeshye ei sohomormita amar bilashita!!!Korte parchi tai....kintu jodi na partam...jodi ami hotam tader jaygay tobe amar ei shob bhabna chinta ki kore pouchoto karor kachei?Aaj tumi, ba tomra amar ei blog dekhe bolbe "Baah, sotti ki sundor chinta" othoba..."Hoyto thik i bolecho" kintu tao sudhui soubhagyo!!!!!

Opekhya korchi sei diner....jedin amar notun sei bhore choker patay lege thaka kuasha shore jabe....notun kore jege uthe manush gorjabe...tader sei manob sagorer kolahole hajar pahar porbe bhenge....abar shunte parbo notun diner pododhwoni...

Khachar bhetor ochin pakhi...

Aaj onek din pore ekta gaan shune mone holo je emon sohoj kore emon kotha bola jay othocho amra jibontake koto na jotil kore boshe achi....kothay jachhi amra?Bhalobashar emon byakhya keu konodin dite pereche?

Khachar bhitor ochin pakhi
Kemne ashe jay
Tare dhorte parle mono beri
Ditam pakhir paye...

Aat kuthuri noy dorja ata
Modhye modhye jholka kata
Tar upore sodor kotha
Ayna mohol tay…

Kopaler fer noile ki ar
Pakhitir emon byabohar
Khacha bhenge pakhi amar
Kon bone lukay…

Mon tui roili khachar ashe
Khacha je tor kacha bashe
Kon din khacha porbe khoshe
Fokir lalon kede koy…

Lalon tumi ke??????????

The dancing trinkets...

I started when I hardly knew how to aesthetically move my little body...vigorously I learnt the technicalities...It was tough but the tinkling sound of the bells made it appear like a dream, a dream of dancing my way into the hearts of millions...the traditional 'Riyaz' in front of the mirror was a fantastic experience...as if the mirror transcended the glass boundaries and I was performing on a stage with a huge gathering of spectators looking admiringly at me...The 'Ghungroos' got heavier as the count of the trinkets increased with every passing year...the sound of 400 bells chiming together...was like a treat to the ears as I went on practising one 'Thaat' after another...They were like jewels to me...preserved with love and reverence...I hardly remember handling anything else with so much care as I did with them...

Yesterday while clearing a lot of old belongings, they were found...in a dirty old bag, tucked up in some corner of the house...a bag full of 'Ghungroos'...tinkling again in their own way...in a flash...I was again standing in front of a huge crowd in a darkened hall, in the midst of my performance...I had wanted to become a dancer...and my 'Ghungroos' were the steps to realize my dreams...and there they were lying in utter disregard...For a moment I hated myself...one more added to the bag of my 'wanted to be and could not be's...this loosing self kills me every moment!!!!

My granny gave the 'Ghungroos' to my little niece who now dances...and now proudly owns them...as for them...well...they could well be mocking me and promises to brighten the life and dreams of yet another young girl, singing to themselves...
'Kabhi is pag me kabhi us pag me
Bajta hi raha hoon main....'

Wahi kahani...

Muhalle ki sabse purani nishani
Woh buriya jise bacche kehte the nani
Woh nani ki baaton mein pariyon ka dera
Woh chehre ki jhurriyo mein sadiyo ka fera
Bhulaye nahi bhul sakta hai koi
Woh chhoti si raatein woh lambi kahani...

The immortal tale of human life...

Ekti jongli phool...

Hajar naam na jana jongli phooler majheo phote kichu porichoy bahok jongli phool...gondho tader hoy eki rokom...baki phoolgulor i moton, kintu porichoy dey tader ek odhikar ja tader gondho, borno, rong, roop...shobetei bhore dey protyoy...tate bhor kore tara matha tule daray baki phooleder modhye theke...aaj nahoy likhlam tader i ek jonke niye...

Du din age futeche ar ek jongli phool...ki tar jibonishokti...ki tar rong....porichoy boye eneche she...tai tar i oudhhotye she boliyan...naam tar hote pare...Pitish...ba Jirhul...ba Orjun...othoba Jacaranda...tar gayer jongli gondho, tar jongli swobhab bhoriye debe sobar mon...uttoradhikare onek kichu peyeo baki shob jongli fuler motoi buk chitiye jor golay sheo bolbe...sei ek kotha...

"I had an inheritance from my father:
It was the moon and the sun;
I can move through the world now
The spending of it is never done."

Mayer kach theke peyeche she tar jibon...jar bole boliyan hoye she pari debe jibon sagore...tene niye jabe koto jhore talmatal nouko parer dike...

Rudro nil...se ekti jibon...ekti ostitwo...ekti jongli phool.....

Nesha.....

Ek cup chaye ami tomake chai.....boi r patay ami tomake chai.....
Chai...chai...chai...sudhu chai er bhire hariye jete chai.....

Dewaler kotha...

Ami du haat petechi...

Swopno dekhechilam...onek kichu bodle dewar...ekta notun prithibi jekhane protyek manusher bacher odhikar thakbe...gonotontrer prokrito chobi dekhabe je prthibi...kintu aaj kon rajye bash korchi?Jekhane samanyo kotha bolar odhikar karor nei...sekhane sukher prithibi!!!!Othocho ekhono to lorche keu keu...othocho amar o to lorar kotha chilo...kotha chilo oder pashe thakar, oder jonyo lorar...kintu polatoker moto aj nijer gha guloke lukiye...khobor r blog pore kanna chapchi...r sei shob gaan mone porche jegulo bachato amake...ekhono bachay...

Ami shashok goshthi chini na...birodhi pokhho chini na...ami chini manush...jara protidin lore jibon dharoner jonyo...unnoyoner sathe ratarati tader songsthan kere newa kono orthonoitik unnotir poth dekhate pare na...Jedin shopoth niyechilam manusher pashe darabar sedin pran khule geyechilam..."Is liye raah sangharsh ki hum chune...zindagi ansuo mein nahayi na ho...shaam sehmi na ho raat ho na dari..bhor ki aankh fir dabdabai na ho..."...aaj kothay amar sei protyoy?

Amar oti priyo bondhu achen ei shob er ekebare majkhane...take janai hajar obhinondon...nije na korte parar okhhomota...othocho take niye hajaar utkontha...ki oshohay ami...bishwash kori ami tader kothay...bishwash kori tader songrame...kintu aaj ami nirupay...sotti nirupay...amar sahosh nei, khomota nei...nei songsthan...r nei upay...

Moushumi dir ei gaanta sotti protibaar kaday...sotti chokh mele royechi...astha harano mon niye...

'Ami shunechi sheydin tumi shagorer dheu e chepe
Neel jol digonto chhuye eshechho
Ami shunechi sheydin tumi nonabali teer dhore
Bohudur bohudur hete eshecho
Ami kokhono jaine jole kokhono bhashini neele
Kokhono rakhini chokh dana mela gangcheele
Abar jedin tumi shomudro snane jaabe
Amakeo shathe nio, nebe to amay?
Bolo, nebe to amay?

Ami shunechi sedin naki tumi, tumi, tumi meele
Tomra shodolbole shobha korechile
Ar sedin tomra naki onek joteel dhadha
Na bola onek kotha - kotha tulechhile
Keno sudhu chhute chhuthe chola, eki eki kotha bola
Nijer jonye bnacha nijeke niye
Jodee bhalobasha nai thake shudhu eka eka lage
Kothay shanti pabo, kothay giye?
Bolo kothay giye?

Ami shunechi tomra naki ekhono shopno dekho
Ekhono golpo lekho, gan gao pran bhore
Manusher bacha mora ekhono bhabiye tole
Tomader bhalobasha ekhono golape fote
Astha harano ei mon niye aami aaj
Tomader kache eshe du hat petechi
Ami duchokher gohobore shunnota dekhi shudhu
Raat ghume ami kono shopno dekhina
Tai shopno dekhbo bole - ami du chokh melechi
Tai tomader kache eshe ami du hat petechi...'

MIRAGES...

Lazy brown eyes brooding in late afternoon sunshine;

Mirages flowing down yellow desert stream.

Glass stained sky dwelled around her-

black holes throwing shadows on her eyes.

She looked for the tomb of death surrounded by poppy fields,

somewhere in distant heaven or the corner of some foreign field.

Her days were like empty vessels,

Her soul quenched her thirst in the long and winding night

for more mirages on a lonely highway...

She had a dream...

Was it a dream? She often wondered…

She needed a place to go for it was the springtime of her love...

He was the sunlight in her dreams

it wasn't hard to feel her glow...

She saw the fire that grew so low

It was the summer of her smile

He spoke to her only with his eyes…

With all the season of emotion unlike the wind...

there glowed a season of devotion.

She would wake up with a start…

His voice seems to have emerged from the depths of nothingness.

She walked on: trudging on the dreary paths of life

Looking for more heavens, more joys…more life!

Her eternal life, never ready to perish,

drove her on an undenying path of forever...for...

Hers was not a mortal life that would wither away with the springs;

Hers was not a human face of desire that would cease with age...

Hers was but life beyond death...

And she lived on...

Confessions of an ESCAPIST

She was walking down the dirty alleys finding them as heavy as she always found them. Never in the last one year had she felt this strange, walking down these ways. Her trips down to this part of her beloved city, almost always, left her claustrophobic. And yet, a look at all the beaming faces peeping out of their homes to welcome her, was her Albatross. This was what she had always wanted to do: work with the people who perhaps mattered the most to her! Or perhaps who she believed, mattered the most to her!

It was never easy to convince most why she wanted to be in the city and work in the slums when, given her professional qualification from a premier institute in the field, she was perhaps tailor-made for a better career option in any other city or even abroad…But she had to come back to the city, which had made her what she was! Often while travelling down the wide stretch of the bypass, she had covered her nose to avoid the stink like all those who travel down the roads. She had often wanted to know how people lived there. Once she knew that, she wanted to change their lives, not realizing that she did not have it in her to change realities of majority of the population, residing in slums. She had dreamt of brighter skies, smiling faces, a beautiful world where people get what they deserve…without having to fight for their rights. What she did not know, however was that she did not have it in her to realize her dreams.

And yet, this was perhaps the last time she was walking down these alleyways. This was her last assignment – she would have to document SPECIAL CASES. Each individual was a special case. An achievement, a mental boost for so-called social workers and activists who claim to change lives! The work ethics had taught her to empathize! EMPATHY!!! Empathize with the woman, all of 20, who is bearing her 4^th child? Or empathize with the child who spends all his day, playing near the gutter with the dirtiest of animals? Or maybe empathize with the parents who live by the dirty drainage canals and yet nurture the impossible dream of educating their children? Or perhaps empathize with the teenager who earns his daily bread by selling stolen vegetables on the railway platform?

And still she hoped that one day the picture will change, the way they do in movies…in books…after all they said, “When you want something, all universe conspires in helping you to achieve it”. Could her dream be too unrealistic to match the famous line?

But, reality always offers a bitter dose! The world seemed to be ever conspiring to keep her dreams from realizing. She fought hard, she thought…but perhaps it was way beyond repair! Perhaps the world and all the people had become far more insensitive that she had expected them to be! Failed expectations always wreak havoc…and she was no exception! Disillusioned, Devastated, Demotivated…she could use all the words in the dictionary that she could to express the way she felt! And then they all served the smooth purpose of her escapism! It was always easy to say, “I could take it no longer”…but how about saying, “I want to see the end of this no matter what”? And she was not an exception! Neither did she have it in her to change the world…

Carefully dodging queries like, “Aunty, abar kobe ashbe?” (When will you come gain?), she finished interviewing the selected individuals. She also took pictures, gave them the regular pep talks about going to schools or community centers and with the stench of wet leather still nauseating her, she stepped out of hell.

The memories of her last visit to the leather belt of Topsia, corrodes her entire existence till date. Even today every time she passes the stretch of bypass, which she does every day to attend her stylish corporate workplace, the stench hits her! The smell mocks her…laughs at her for running away from it! Makes fun of her for pretending to be able to change their realities and failing miserably! Ridicules her for giving them false hopes and false promises and then running away…

She had spent many a sleepless night crying over her failure…one more to share her failures with all! She had hoped to share her success with all someday…but it was with a lot of courage and honesty that she could decide to share her failures. Months have passed since…and today the escapist has finally conjured enough guts to accept defeat.

Dramatizing has always been a wonderful way of sharing the innermost feelings and yet again dramatization expressed her memories of utter failure…but one that could have been fatal if not shared! Mock her if you want…laugh at her for being a loser but for Heaven’s sake don’t sympathise with her!

Spare her a moment and let her introduce herself. She is…

Yours truly…

ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

So what is Life???????

Sometimes my love for life stuns me…the first sight of a baby straight out of the mothers womb reaches me to a climax only I can define…For it is love which keeps us alive even when we fail to exist in the world of the living dead…It is beauty which makes every little child resemble God…It is faith which keeps us going all the way till we can go no more! And love gives all of it! There is no wrong in love, neither is there any self, for in loving every person, every existence we give ourselves and become another self. I may have a thousand selves and yet I want to have a self which is but a collage of all these…a rather uncompromising want drives my existence towards that self which remains like a mirage moving further away from me…And by the name of the all powerful who controls my life like a game of chess, the day I win over his moves, I would have no more wish to live for I would be a part of his being!

Living in this world, with ten thousand things happening around me – it feels like a whole confused hub of a thousand hearts residing with their own array of expectations and wishes! All fragile and tender dreams that dread every movement…as if every existence is on tender hooks, all scared and perturbed at being exposed to the earthly handlings! Like many a settlement, they are being destroyed and rebuilt time and again…and the way every change is accepted can make one feel as if their last existence was but a mockery and this is all that was ever desired…but wait till it is recreated again and that version would be the best! Who can stop this constant process of construction…deconstruction and reconstruction? The fragility of human minds and emotions never fail to surprise me…not that I am beyond all this, though! I wonder at times…why do I accept this deconstruction of my innermost feelings…of the basis of my expectations? Why did I need to be so accommodating all my life, I wonder! Letting the entire world see through my almost transparent existence was perhaps a mistake that can cost me my life! And yet all I can do now is regret…I wonder why!

Given where I stand now in life, a thousand questions seem to storm my mind…I often wonder am I really ready for what is being assigned to me? Am I being over estimated and given way too much to handle? After all I am yet to live my life on my own terms…why then do I agree terms set by somebody who does not know my limitations? And yet I had done all this for love…is this where love wants to take me? Some say it is all about how you face the adversities and yet remain as willing for it…some say it is all about being happy…but I wonder if this struggle is really making me happy or merely wearing me out in this existential trap! My love for the wild…for the unseen and uncontrollable seems to be engulfing me in a flame I can hardly manage to douse! A flame that seems to ask for a huge sacrifice from me…at times I wonder if I am really losing this constant battle…I honestly hate to lose! Escapist, that I have proven myself to be in all this while…I’d much rather run away and take shelter in some darkness and lick on my own wounds! Is it me alone? Or are there many more like me, who walk this earth nurturing wounds and pains that they hate to show for the fear of being labeled a loser?

Is it really that easy to pretend being happy? Happiness…I always thought I was happy…happy with life…happy with whatever life offered me…happy with everything that life has given to me! But now I marvel at the great world of false happiness that I was living in…they talk about illusion? The illusions I have been nurturing all my life have left me wonderstruck! Was I never equipped to face them? Was I always scared of the consequences of facing imminent failure? So much for being extra conscious never to hurt anyone…maybe it was not so much of a good idea after all!

Does anybody know me? Or am I an alien in my own world? Alien to my own self and to the many faces that rotate all around my centralized existence on their fixed orbits…sometimes one or more stray and come closer! Do they try to know the burning, smouldering me…or am I to burn in this shell of fire for the rest of my days? Do I ever get a healing touch to soothe my charred soul? Or is it too late to expect a respite from this? Should I not be thinking of this respite at this stage in life?

Dreary are the paths that I seem to have walked all my life, unaware of the stones that have left my bare feet almost numb for I can no longer feel the pain! Did I ever feel the pain is what I wonder or had I overlooked the stings of the sharp edged stones as obvious obstacles that I had to overcome? Where do I stand now? Fearing failure I have landed at the very edge of a step cliff where that seems to give me an option to chose between the devil and the deep blue sea…At times I feel perhaps the devil devouring me would end my anguish…then again I feel perhaps the sea could cool off my wounds and let me rest in her arms forever…but that would be another escape! I hate to be labeled an escapist! Having already run away from a lot that could have make me stronger, I feel like the warrior who can just run away from reality fearing to face the uncertainties of life that could have led to even the final verdict…death! Perhaps that one will to face and die could have at least given me more of a worth! And everytime I feel I need this no more…I am reminded of "That's what learning is, after all: not whether we lose the game, but how we've changed because of it and what we take away from it that we never had before, to apply to other games. Losing, in a curious way, is winning." - Richard Bach.

But my war seems to have just begun…my undying, indestructible existence seems to remain unmoved by all the deaths, all the failures, all the pains and I go on…on the path leading nowhere…or maybe to a land where paths run in circles and come back to where they begin! As I move from uncertainty to oblivion my journey seems more tiring! I wish for a companion who walks on the same paths and dies the same deaths everyday…maybe together we can live the deaths and move closer to eternity!

The land of nowhere, where only love resides and nurtures more love…

Thy name is Me......

There are times when I don’t want to be the way others want me to be! I just want to be myself, just for the sake of it…for being the person I am! For being the individual who has been brought up to be this weird; for being a person who wants to be free; for being challenged by the basic human competence of normalcy! There were times in my childhood when I wished I had a magic wand like the fairies who stormed all the fairy tales of my childhood; changing the world with a swish of their wand! Ma used to often tell me to be more normal and more human. Alas! I developed all the traits, in a little distorted way…adding an ‘ab’ before the normal and an ‘e’ after the human! None of the qualities which could see me through this huge booming, buzzing market around me…

Sometimes I hate to wake up in the mornings…hate to face the world…hate to see the people running for their lives! Hate to be someone the world wants me to be! Hate to do what I hate the most – pretend! Pretend to be someone I am not! Someone I can never be! Pretend to be a part of this system which is so alien to me…And yet thus is the rule of the game! How old am I? At times it feels I have the world to see…at times I feel I have seen so much - it pains to bear the burden any longer. At times I wonder who I am…am I the person my parents have brought up with so much care to be labeled as an ideal person? Or am I the escapist who can only brag about her frustrations and still continue being the same machine that emits no smoke and yet produces only what is expected…the pent up potentials ventilating through my lines written in the middle of the night!

Am I the same person who set out with a head full of ideologies…to change the world…to do what I want to do? Am I the same person who was destined to die an unknown death…unknown to the world…unknown to the own self? Am I the same person who tried to die and feared the consequences of death? Am I the person who wants to live life appreciating its beauty? Am I the same person who is scared to look down from a height and yet want to see how the world looks from the very top? TOP…a misnomer! I don’t want to be at the top…I never wanted to be…but it feels amazing to hear the winds singing in my ears…to feel the warmth of the sun caress my cheek from up close…to feel the wild breeze ruffle my unruly hair…

I often look at the urchins playing by the road in the dirt and feel I could be like them…and yet if I would have been them, I would feel, looking at the people I represent now, a mad want to be like them! Why do we always fail to get what we want? Why do we always want what we don’t have? Is there not a single soul walking the face of earth that lives their life their own way? If not… then it is utterly frightful to be living on this planet! We all live to live our dreams, don’t we? And if they never get to see the dawn of reality, could there be a scarier proposition? We spend our entire lives hoping we will get that ‘something…someday’. Scary that this ‘someday’ never happens to us! Monotonously we live and we die, not realizing that all we have done all our lives is WAIT! A little something makes us happy and we think we step closer to our dreams but what we perhaps don’t realize is that the dreams move a step ahead! Dreams – something that we all live for; something that keeps us going; something we nurture tenderly in the very bottom of our hearts…and yet something that we can never grasp!

What if I dream of blue skies and green fields? What if I dream of snowy mountains and sparkling seas? What if I dream of a sparkling morning breeze and a soothing moonlit night? What if I dream of a bright spring morning with the sun, still dripping with the morning dew streaming down the window frame? What if I dream of a moist rainy day staring at the droplets of rain by the window sill? What if I dream of a lazy winter afternoon, reading a book sitting on my terrace soaking the warmth of the sun rays? What if I dream of a spring evening with the mild breeze filling my senses with the fragrance of the wild flowers? What if I dream of a summer night with the norwester lashing down in all its fury?

Dreams grow with us…and all we are left with as we grow older are memories of the dreams which we nurture in the depth of our beings…and more importantly those which nurture us tenderly and keep us from dying of shame and failure. And one fine morning when you expect the least, you suddenly find yourself far away from all realities…carried away to the land of nowhere! Beyond all happiness, all tears, all wants, all failures…all hatred. For there is the land of love!

We cry over lost friends, lost lives…lost acquaintances; we might have met for a few forgettable moments. Not very many hours ago did I shed a drop of silent tear for someone I hardly knew. It comes almost automatically…with a wish that even a teardrop from a complete stranger would be sufficient to get him back to life. But fate rules us, pawns of destiny! I know he would never come back. People would talk about him for a while, few days, weeks perhaps even months…but life hardly stops for anything…even for death. Not even for our dearest soul…unless of course it is ME…the all encompassing, all-centric ME!

How I wish all the stories about the soul leaving the body and being able to see and feel everything around would be true. If only one would be able to see what people feel when dead? I want to live this feeling of death and be able to feel what I can never feel in all my life – the end of an uncertain tomorrow. The fear of dreading what every moment of the tomorrow would throw at me; the fear of losing all I love; the fear of being all alone in this booming pseudo humane existence around me; the fear of not being able to see, hear, touch and feel the people who make up my self – haunts me day and night.

Sometimes I have this strange wish to die…strange wish to end all fears! And yet I am scared to death to die…paradoxical…thy name is Me!